How I Won The War

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Sunday, September 11, 2005

3:23AM - and several years later, here we are at 330am

so lately ive been having some dreams. well i have alot of dreams. but this one is recurring kind of. my ex, cara, i have said before that i pretty much hate her.she hurt me more than i couldve ever imagined being hurt by someone. and she did it at a time when i was pretty much looking over the edge. but the thing is, ive come to realize, that even tho i dont think shes a good person, i still love her. i just cant help it. ive been having these dreams where she and i are together again, and in the dreams im so ridiculously happy, its indescribible. its like everything in my life is ok again. like the last couple years never happened. then i wake up and im alone and i feel kind of down. but anyway, i got home tonight. and i hadnt seen her in some time, but i saw a recent picture of her posted somewhere, and it just hit me really hard. i started remembering what her voice sounded like. and i just couldnt help but cry. all the pain, and not the resentment came flooding back, and even all the feelings of love. i felt so alone. and i felt like she was a part of me and im now without that piece. and its annoying to me that im still in love with someone who basically almost drove me to suicide (and i mean that with no drama or hyperbole, not that she was all of the cause, but she was a big part of it) if not for medication and counseling and being kept on suicide watch by my family i would be dead now. no doubt in my mind. i almost ended up committed at the time. and like i said, there were bigger things going on than just her and i at the time. i was a mess. and she kicked me while i was down. turned her back on me when i needed her and then turned around real quick just to spit at me. but anyway, i get all these feelings, and i wish more than anything i could just talk to her. in general, and about the things that happened between us. but back when i could finally get her to even talk to me at all, she refused to be at all personable, or discuss anything about our past. she treated me like an aquaintence, and an unfavorable one at that. she was so cold to me. and i understand shes not pure evil or anything. she may have reasons and circumstances which led to the way she treated me. i dont think theres any excusing it, but i could see her at least explaining it. or even if she just told me that she feels she was 100% right. something. some kind of communication. even just to see how shes doing. if she feels like she ever really loved me. or was i just filling a role for her at the time. but i cant talk to her. i know she wouldnt be very accomidating. hell shes probably heard what ive said about her, and that gives her even less reason to talk to me. i wasnt perfect either. im sure she has her scars too. i tried really hard though. i never tried so hard in my life to make something be as good as possible. so i mean, i know there are things that were my fault and things i couldve done better, but you shouldnt treat anyone like that. no human being deserves that. but im babbling now. but the point is, i guess you cant really hate someone without some love being in the equation. so now im sitting here alone, not wishing to just not be alone, but kind of wishing she was here, and that we could make up and she could tell me something to make it all better and i wouldnt have to resent her at all. like if she could explain what happened and convince me it was for the best for both of us or it was some big mistake or that she was wrong but she knows that now and has changed. i just wish things could belike they were back in the day with her. im definitely scarred. and im not thinking rationally when it comes to this. logically i know first off that theres no chance of us getting back together or even being friends. i also know that if i could get back with her, it would probably be a huge mistake. but just everything else that makes up who i am is just here wishing things would work out between us. so yeah, its been like 3 years or so i guess, and im still thinking about this. well i didnt think about it too much for a while. its just been resurfacing recently. my stomach is in knots. my eyes are red and itchy from tears. i figured id capitalize on my misery and write a song. its better than the ones i usually write these days. at least i think so. i wish someone was awake so i could send it to them and have them hear it. it really sums up all of this nonsense. so im sorry for such a long ranting post. but i needed to get these things off my chest. life is what it is now. every second of my life only occurs once. i wish that wasnt the case. i havent felt pain like this in a long time. i guess the meds arent up to par tonight. so someone send me some love.

Current mood: depressed

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Wednesday, September 7, 2005

11:41PM - yes no maybe always

so yeah life is hectic and tiring. i have so much crap to do yet i seem to be sitting at this damn computer half the time. there are a million things i should or could be doing if the circumstances were more appropriate. waiting for this and that. a call from one person or another or waiting for one company to deliver its services and products or another to call me back and tell me whats going on. things are slowly happening. i can't stand the waiting. tell me ive succeeded, tell me ive failed, just tell me. we're sending the cd out to be pressed this week, so it'll be ready sometime this month. stickers, posters, t shirts etc. press photo new bio to be written. after that i have to hit the streets every night and pass out promotional materials and make new friends. so many places and people to send press kits to. radio stations, producers, production companies, venues, contacts, friends to distribute press kits for us in other states. meetings to set up about touring and more shows. i wish i could just get it all done right now. plus going to work every day and trying to have a decent social life. and yeah im still single. not that ive really put that much effort into not being single. i need something constant and stable in my life. something i dont have to put meticulous effort into. something that can grow and evolve without me crafting every aspect of it intentionally. one thing is for sure. im definitely hiring cheap laborers to do some of the legwork im too lazy to actually do (i.e. mailing press kits everywhere, which also involves buying postage and envelopes and going to the post office, also researching lists of radio stations and such) i have people ready to do these things, we just need the damn cd pressed and the press photo so i can send the cd out to get reviewed by local publications and web publications and then send it to clubs and people and everyone on the fucking planet. this post is so boring. im sorry im wasting your time. this is just the shit running around in my mind all day. and the worries of actually waking up to make my committments. not sleeping that well. and when i finally do get to sleep i cant wake up. i wake up and sit at the computer and pass back into sleep while sitting up. i also cant wait for october to come so i can get the ball rolling on purchasing a home. its settled, after i make my first million im hiring a personal assistant to do all this shit and wake me up and do my laundry and light my cigarettes. theres no other way. i need a vacation. and maybe a beer. or some more coffee, since i just spilled my cup on the fucking floor. someone leave me nice encouraging comments or email me or im me and tell me some good news. things are by no means bad, but i crave more human contact and attention. and this is the first time ive posted in a while so i dont know if anyone even bothers to read this anymore. so yeah. shower me with love and attention.

Current mood: determined

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Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Wednesday, June 8, 2005

Tuesday, June 7, 2005

8:51PM - surprise! im not very pissed off!

so john hutchinson deleted my account from his online community page, the scrabbled. apparently because i posted entries trying to get people to come out to see my band. i was unaware it was against the rules. some dude named justin used to plug his band on there all the time. so i assumed it was ok. anyway, the only thing that actually annoys me, is that this girl (who also happens to be my ex girlfriend, who i absolutely hate) posted a plug for her "guest bartending" job at some bar, trying to get people to show up there and all so she gets hired by this place. at first i thought, "hey, shes not allowed to plug, i should know because i was banned for that". then today i checked out the comments on her post and one of them was john hutchinson saying that "if you were ted, i would delete your account, but youre not so i wont", or something like that. thats obnoxious. i dont see why he doesnt tell me if he has some sort of problem with me. i thought about writing and criticizing the obvious inconsistencies in his actions, but i just dont really have the energy for such endeavors. the bottom line, i think its just a shitty way to behave. it tells me how he feels about me. so i guess i wont be talking to him anymore. i figured he didnt really like me anymore anyway. hes one of those people who never answers the phone or returns my calls. so yeah, im just venting. theres no real point in this entry, except maybe if john hutchinson were to read it, so he knows i get the message, and i am a little bit hurt. i think im used to all this rejection by now though. so im not TOO bothered. just the fact that this involved my ex, is a big slap in the face from someone i thought i was on at least decent terms with. well i guess johns not getting a christmas card this year. and maybe my ex will get hit by a bus. im kind of proud of myself for not letting this get me all flustered and typing slanderous things. it makes me feel peaceful. i have to keep up this "not getting angry" business. ill just divert my attention to things that are more important. so anyway, the band is coming together well with the new people. getting lots of invites to play places. talking with a production company and planning a small tour. so thats good. something to do. anyway, thats it for now.

Current mood: calm

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Friday, June 3, 2005

1:25AM - !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yeah so the band is getting back on its feet still. i had a stressful day at work. im lonely. i have a meeting with my boss tomorrow. not looking forward to it. i just want to get the fuck out of jersey, if even for a little while. i keep putting off taking a vacation in hopes that i will use such time for touring later. i think im starting to get burned out. fortunately, the freshness of the band reforming is keeping me motivated to get up every day. i cant wait until tomorrow after work. im going to do some hardcore relaxing. i dont really have a point to writing this, but im stressed out, and writing seems to make me feel better. prospects are forming for the band. shows lined up. business people to talk to. just need to get touring. i could really use a month off to just travel and play music. hopefully im not jumping the gun and having a little too much faith in the new guys. im hoping theyll be ready for a show within a few weeks. i guess that is alot to ask of anyone. i wish i was playing every night. im so sick of this routine. im not right for this kind of life. ive managed to keep it rather painless too (my version of real life). i cant imagine if i had a real career job. id probably shoot myself. i keep talking to girls these days, but nothing too important has happened yet. i want a dog. a big furry siberian husky. to pull my sled. this entry is dissipating before my eyes. cant keep coherent thoughts together. too much random shit going through my head. so ill just call it a night i guess. time to try and sleep. goodnight.

Current mood: annoyed

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Sunday, May 29, 2005

8:40PM - Yeah!

So I played my last show with Joe and Joe last thursday. wed night, Vallee told me he was "taking some time off". I think the bottom line is hes just not into my music anymore. it was kind of inferred in the conversation. it was also really a number of things. as i anticipated, ruggeri quit as soon as he found out vallee left. hes going off to play with some other guys or something. so we ended things on rather good terms i suppose. honestly, and no knock on either of them, i wasnt too thrilled with their attitudes lately. it felt like they were in this for different reasons than i was. not that i feel my reasons are any more valid than theirs, but there was a contrast there, and it probably wasnt a good thing. so anyway, vex from starskream gave me some phone numbers of drummers to call, and luckily i got ahold of one within 3 days of vallee leaving. the guys name is eddie. we met up for coffee after a couple brief phone conversations, and everything seems great. the only thing is i havent heard him play yet. but vex said he was really good, so im giving him the benefit of the doubt. so if hes half as good as im expecting, we should be back on track and hopefully better off within a few weeks. he took some cds home to learn the material and he said he was a quick study. he also has a van which will be good for shows and hopefully touring at some point. so vex said once we have our shit together again, he wants to play some shows with us. once everything is settled ill have to contact some venues that have been offering us shows. weve had offers at the pontiac, the barbary, more at abilene, and whiskey dix. were also waiting on shows at the fire, the northstar and the khyber. i also need to contact grape street. so hopefully we can jump into all that. also ive been in contact with a guy named tommy from a production company. he claims he can help us book a tour. so within the next few months id at least like to go up and down the east coast. even if its only on weekends or only for a week or whatever. im determined to make a living at this. with bob on bass, and this new guy, eddie, on drums, i feel like everyone finally has the right attitude and some realistic immediate goals. so im a little nervous, yet rather excited for the future. i am sad to see the other guys leave though, especially vallee, since weve been playing together for like 11 years. i just hope things never get bitter between us. i need to go around and collect all my equipment soon. kind of tie up some loose ends with the joes. im also selling some guitars and such to expedite my path to the studio to make better demos for distribution. i feel like i have a billion things to do, and i guess my feeling is right. so much ground to cover. but thats ok. i feel more free than i have in a long time.

Current mood: optimistic

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Tuesday, May 17, 2005

11:41PM - another tuesday

ive decided to write here, but i dont have anything in mind, as far as what id like to say. i feel weighed down. not all the time. but more recently than usual. i feel like im suppressing some important emotions and feelings. my dreams have gotten really weird and have continutiy to them. its like what happens one night in a dream becomes the real history of the next dream. in all my dreams i carry a gun now. and when i dont have one, i wonder where i left it. and also in these dreams i can remember the dream where i purchased the gun and first started carrying it. there are other things that are continuous in my dreams too. locations, people, etc, that dont exist in real life but only in my dream life. its like having two realities. i sleep and theres the world as i left it. i wake and i find the same. i dont remember alot about my dreams when im awake, and i dont rememeber much of anything about my real life when im dreaming. im worried that through medication and regular repression(suppression?), im not venting certain stresses and problems that i feel i have. like theyre in the back of my mind. im starting to wonder if theyll start to manifest themselves in my life. i feel like theyve already been manifested in my dreams.
i think about death alot. more than i ever used to. i listen to alot of music made by people who are now dead. hearing their voices and thinking about them being dead feels...i dont know...like a more real experience now...if that makes sense. i worry about people i know dying as well. i even worry about myself dying, more than i ever did. sometimes i feel like im living life through the eyes of someone else. as if ted allen wasnt who i really am, and im just inhabiting him. not only am i inhabiting him, but he is also containing me. like he is a cast, hindering my full range of movement while i heal from something. maybe when he dies, ill be free and ill see what i really have been all along. like i dont really remember what i really am, and soon ill get to find out and be me again. this all sounds like a bad drug experience or something.
im starting to feel the despair i think that most musicians and artists feel after theyve been at it a while and havent broken as much ground as they would have liked to. things move too slowly. i wonder if theyll ever get moving to my liking. my drummer will be away most weekends in june, so i suppose we wont be playing much. thats a dissapointment, but what are you going to do? its a shame too, because we were offered some weekend shows in the area in june, and we had to turn them down. im still dead set on touring in the very near future. but we havent planned shit yet. im itching to. money is an issue, as it always is in most endeavors. this area is terrible for a musician. a musician with original material anyway. im looking forward to going back in the studio and doing things right this time. ill feel alot better when thats done.
ive still been pondering the girlfriend question. options and people come and go before my eyes. nothing has stuck yet. half of me wants someone, half of me is annoyed with all the bullshit that goes with the territory. i really wonder if i have the time to devote to a significant other AND to getting the band stuff rolling. probably not. i need to take one of them more seriously anyway. most likely the band. ill probably end up a confirmed bachelor and die alone.
i feel like i really dont have anyone to talk to much anymore. i have people that i converse with, but its not the way i want. mostly im just telling stupid jokes or playing whatever silly games people are throwing at me. im not making many good exchanges. everyone who has the potential for that lately is either too far away or too busy or both. i am exxagerating a bit though. i do have a couple people i can talk to. just not nearly as much as id like. and sometimes there is other business to attend to with such people, so we dont get much in the way of good exchanges.
well im getting bored with this. so...the end.

Current mood: blah

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Friday, April 15, 2005

10:35PM

so i was just watching a cheesy romantic comedy movie since i had nothing to do and noone has called me tonight. it was depressing. makes me feel lonely. being single is annoying me right now. usually im pretty ok with it. i feel very ineffectual right now too. partly from the movie and partly from just thinking about music and band stuff. i feel like i should be doing something right now besides sitting at the computer and sitting around my house and being annoyed that i have to get up early tomorrow and work. i dont think i can really stand a "normal" life. i mean i like my job right now. im not horribly unhappy with my general day to day doings. playing shows is one of the highlights of my week. but i feel like i should be doing something better. of course one of the main things on my mind is moving forward with the band and playing bigger shows and getting people into the music. thats always on my mind. things are so uncertain at this point. who knows what could happen with my job. i could be semi content just doing this for a few years. but it could always go bad somehow and i might be forced to get a 9 to 5 job and then id just feel horrible about my life. at least now i get to play guitar all day and try to improve peoples lives in some small way. but if i was stuck in a cubicle or something i think id want to shoot myself. but i have to grow up sometime. unfortunately. i wish i wasnt this age. i wish i was back in high school or earlier. i hate having to think about the future so much. i prefer to live in the moment, but the older i get, it feels like im getting cornered into things. i havent even been out west before. let alone europe, or anywhere off the continent. like ive been saying, the possibilities are open right now. i havent really tried and failed yet. that would probably be one of the most difficult times in my life. if i tried and failed and had to face that reality that i was completely fucked out of happiness or any real form of it. but not only as far as my lifes work, but with relationships i feel the need to get something happening. something meaningful. i still have alot of the same reservations about real relationships, but the logical part of my mind is starting to take a backseat to the emotional part. i can definitely feel the missing part of my emotional self. i feel like i exist pretty much alone, and when i die i will also be alone. i cant picture myself dying with loved ones around. i have to be careful though when im feeling like this. im in the type of mindset where i could really jump the gun and end up with someone for all the wrong reasons and never really make that perfect connection that i hope for. i dont even know if such a connection is possible though. id imagine alot of people having similar feelings about all these things, but they probably dont think about it so pathologically. im kind of starved for personal one on one conversation too. i just talk to people at work about stuff, and go out drinking and play in the band and meet people in that type of situation. i miss they days where me and larry and sometimes shane, would sit around and really discuss things. i guess i havent really come upon the right time or person for such conversations lately. theres always im conversation, but its not the same vibe i get from in person interaction. so i guess the bottom line of all this is...as usual, im worrying about the direction of my life in the sense of accomplishment, relationships, and general happiness. i guess im worried and excited. so everyone reading this (if anyone really does these days) comment. tell me if you feel the same way about anything. tell me if you think im whiney. tell me if i sound crazy(in the bad way). give me some feedback. write alot. more than a sentence. or write in your blog and just put a link to it in my comments section. like i said. i always feel alone. having someone who feels the things im feeling might make me feel a little more...i dont know...like im not the only person who actually exists.

Current mood: anxious

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Thursday, April 14, 2005

1:20AM - yeah...stuff

so i just found out that my ex-friend ron's grandfather recently passed away. im kind of sad. i liked the guy. he gave me jazz cds and liked my band. he was always very good to me. i wouldve liked to attend his funeral, but first of all, im not on speaking terms with ron or any of his family, and second i wasnt told about his passing, so ill assume i wouldnt be welcome there. so i had a moment of silence for him tonight. just something...anything...kind of tipping my hat to the man. its weird how burning a bridge can affect more than just two people involved. maybe the guy hated me now anyway since i wasnt friends with ron anymore. oh well. ill probably never know. in the same track of thinking, i wonder how id feel one day if i heard ron passed away. or any of those guys. i wonder if i would feel the need to go to their funeral. as it stands now, i wouldnt want any of them at my funeral. i think they are sorry excuses for human beings, let alone friends. so this is notice to anyone reading...steve stetson, ron codario, and ryan finley are not to attend my funeral, should i pass on before any of them (in all likelihood i will). there are others associated with them i wouldnt want there either, but i dont feel like typing out all the names. most people who know me well should know who not to let in to my funeral. id like to be cremated anyway. i have a fear of being buried alive. its ridiculous, i know. but who knows what could happen. so yeah, grudges. i wonder if ill regret anything when these people die. maybe i shouldve swallowed my pride and tried to patch things up with them? at this point i think they all behaved ridiculously, so i feel ok about that. but i just wonder what feelings will strike me when faced with the fact that i would never see such people again even if i really wanted to. oh well. i dont feel like writing anymote.

Current mood: lonely

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Monday, April 11, 2005

12:12AM - mechanical cats

im listening to do re mi for the millionth time. this will be followed by nirvana unplugged. a minute ago i was blasting you know youre right. but now im in more of an acoustic mood. i just wrote a song like 20 minutes ago. i dont write nearly as much as i used to. just poems that half make sense and usually dont get finished. one of the lines in my new song was "i realized today that youre not worth fighting for". it was a simple song, not too much thought put into it, but that line kept coming to mind for me today on and off. im not really 100% sure who or what im addressing with that line. i have a number of thoughts. it might just be some residual resentment for cara. yeah i know its been a couple years, but it still stings at times. feels like it happened just yesterday when i think deeply about the whole situation. and then i look up and realize i havent put that much effort into anyone since her. i dont think ill ever be completely over it. im overly sensitive alot. i always think everyone secretly hates me. it doesnt help that alot of my friends and acquaintances dont ever call me back. or at least, rarely. i think im starving for some genuine, reciprocal affection. ive been talking to lots of girls over the past few months, but nothing substantial has come of it yet. i seem to doubt anything ever will. well thats just too pessimistic. something will happen eventually. im not really depressed these days, so dont think i am by my entries here. i think im just looking for more than is available to me right now. on alot of levels. when i was younger there was a time when im pretty sure i didnt have any friends. i had some random acqaintances, but no real friends. people have told me, in high school i overcompensated for that by having too many friends. i used to have some type of social engagement every night. now that ive lightened the lode a bit, i find myself at home alot more. im glad in some ways. the people i had been spending so much time with were really kind of sealed in their own little fantasy world and i was drawn into it. so im glad to be rid of that. i guess the attention im craving wouldnt be necessarilly platonic anyway. i dont want to be in my 40s and trying to pick up girls wherever, but im not really ready to put the time into a good relationship right now. my time is precious to me. even when i squander it laying in bed and staring at the walls. ive wasted enough entire days and weeks and months on people (platonic and romantic) that really werent worth it. i think way too much. it keeps me from doing all too often. well im feeling nostalgic still , so im going to go back to just relaxing and killing time. maybe ill continue to update this thing. maybe not. depends how i feel. leave me some comments though. id like to know if anyone is reading.

Current mood: blah

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Thursday, April 7, 2005

2:38AM

things go up and get semi exciting and then go back to normal alot from the last six months or so. this week is the anniversary of kurt cobain's death(and layne staley). i often listen to alot of nirvana, more than is healthy anyway. lately ive been listening to the box set, mostly the acoustic demos. when you strip away all the production and sound quality and arrangement, and just hear the raw sound of his voice and the hiss and the background noise, it makes me feel closer to this person that i never even remotely new. it also makes me feel sad since i come closer to perceiving him as a normal person when i hear these tapes. its one thing to see him as a caricture of himself, as his image, as what he presented and the media presented, but its a very different feeling to realize that he was just a guy with alot of problems who ended up shooting himself. i dont quite remember where i was going with this, or if i even had a point...
i guess im just always comparing myself to other people that ive never even met, or really understood. im already 24. it crept up on me. this is about the age kurt was when he started really tasting success. the beatles were in their early twenties when they hit big. so i feel like now is the time things should be happening if im ever to amount to anything near what i feel i should. i know this sounds really egotistical...ive always felt that i had to do something important with my life, or just be doomed to misery, or both. anyway, with things getting more and more promising here and there, it just makes me think about my life. im kind of excited and scared. anything could happen from this point on. ive still got plenty of good years left to accomplish things i want to accomplish. it also makes me think about how short life could potentially be. what someone told me i had 3 years left? its weird. im just babbling now. i almost hope i could just make a small mark in the lives of a decent amount of people and just burn out before my novelty wore off. another part of me worries about missing out on alot of things to chase these dreams. im already gambling with everything. ending up a neverbeen musician is not a fate i look forward too. and even if things worked out beyoned anything i could hope for, id be giving up other things for it. i might spend the rest of my life as isolated as ive always felt...maybe even moreso. i dont know where this is going. i guess im just imagining the possibilities into my fingertips. i guess in one sense im afraid of failing and not even being able to make a living from my music. in another sense im afraid of succeeding and all the downs that would come with it. im just preoccupied with it lately when i think about life and death in general. i dont know...
on a lighter note. im in love with this girl. and its really childish. she lives far away. but were on the phone every night. and on im all the time. i dream about her at night. i dont sleep as well unless i talk to her before bed. i dont think shes as into me as i am into her. but thats ok. its nice to dream about things that probably will never come to pass. i always want things that im pretty sure i wont get. and then if i do get them, what a great surprise. besides, id probably just fuck it up anyway. its like that ode to a grecian urn poem, by keats i think?the picture of the guy chasing the girl is perfect, because hell never get to catch her, but hell be in that happy moment of what could be, forever. i find myself the most creative and motivated when im after something, moreso than when i get it. theres just no pleasing me i guess. once i attain something, its never enough. part of me doesnt want that much out of life. another part of me wants the attention and love of every living thing. anyway, im confusing myself so ill stop writing. goodnight.

Current mood: contemplative

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Tuesday, April 5, 2005

1:05AM

so yeah things are moving along. playing at abilene every thursday, lining up more shows in the area, and still talking about some kind of small tour. practicing, making stickers and t shirts. things have mostly been positive in that aspect of my life. work is good too. still like my job, pay is good, students are agreeable. been getting the itch lately again, like id like to settle down. part of me is out there looking and part of me is avoiding it. i really dont have the necessary time to devote to a significant other right now. i could make the time, but then music might suffer from it. i need to stay focused. its hard though. feeling very lonely these days. i see people and friends all the time, so its not a physical loneliness. its like theres this really blatant humming in the back of my ears. its always there. and sometimes it blends in with everything else and i dont think about it much, but i know its still there. and its like im the only one who can hear it. and its so obvious that i want to shake everyone and tell them to listen harder. but even if i did, they probably wouldnt hear it anyway. even when im out with friends, having a good time, i can hear this little hum. and its distracting. i try to pretend like its not there. but it is. and theres nothing i can do about it because once youve heard it to begin with, you cant stop hearing it. once in a while i meet people who hear it too, or at least i suspect they do. i try to get close to these people. half the time, they have no interest in me. the other half of the time, it turns out they were hearing something completely different anyway. something that most people can already hear. i grow more fearful everyday that noone else out there can really hear this little hum in the back of my ears. its definitely there. theres no denying that. its all too real to me. so what do i do? i keep looking for someone who hears it. and after so many years, noone ive encountered even understands the idea. maybe i should be happy that im the only one who hears it. maybe im special. on the other hand, maybe its a cruel joke on me. just another wall in front of me. i think alot of you know what im talking about. noone i think is in my tree...

Current mood: lonely

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Saturday, March 5, 2005

12:56AM - welcome back

yeah so its been a while. life has been mostly work, band, and sleep. its a good time, but i do get burned out sometimes. downcaste has been playing abilenes a bit and it seems well be playing there every thursday for a while and possibly some weekend shows too. ive basically been single for quite some time now. i mean, i havent had a real relationship that was formalized and very serious since like cara i think. that means its been a couple years. i mean ive seen girls now and again, but nothing consistent enough to be labeled a relationship. shane and i were talking about relationships recently and we were basically just expressing the same ideas to each other. im not totally convinced that long term, monogamous relationships are healthy anymore. they just seem to lead to resentment and unhappiness on both sides. i was thinking about it. could i really be with the same person for like 30 years? on one side of things, people change. ive learned that over the past couple years, since ive changed so much (that may not be evident to most people though). on the other side, sometimes, people do stay the same person to a large degree. isnt it natural to become to familiar with things? nothing to look forward to? no surprises, living the same day with subtle changes and different interchangeable parts and people. id like to think that one day i would strive against such things. i do feel like id like to settle down sometimes, but i dont know how i can reconcile that with my short attention span for members of the opposite sex. id think wed eventually grow apart, if at all we were living fulfilling existences. and what if we didnt change? i dont want someone finishing my sentences, especially if theyre the person i spend 90 per cent of my time with. that would get pretty fuckin old. i guess the only hope is that wed grow together. but realistically, what are the chances of that? to meet someone who fits together with you now, and will grow to fit whatever you become? sounds too idealistic to be possible. so maybe long term relationships arent meant to be for the rest of your life. i have no problem with monogamy in general. the idea i guess, is to share time with someone special as long as that time is special, and then at one point you part ways and move on. married for 10 years, then amicably separate? so many problems come along with that too. all kinds of resentment and unexpressed feelings and thoughts. but is that intrinsic or is it societal? maybe weve been conditioned beyond whats natural. nature never told us to be monogamous. nature thrives through variety and change. maybe im just making excuses as to why i can never hold anything together. maybe i just need to meet the right person. but after all thats happened to me in my life, its kind of difficult to give so much of myself to one person and trust them not to do what cara did. ive seen firsthand, that love can easily be worn away over time, or simply turned off like a valve in some instances. someone you wouldve done anything for and claimed theyd do anything for you, treats you like a stranger, an intruder. then they tell you its all your fault. so aside from making me more callous and cynical, have any of my relationships made me better off? knowledge gained and all. i hate to quote music but "if lifes not beautiful without the pain, then id just rather never ever even see beauty again." so why should i endeavor to build something? one might tell me to go out and have faith in people and to put myself on the line no matter how many times i get hurt or anything goes wrong. sounds noble, but i honestly dont know if i could recover from such a psychological beating again. im surprised i did survive the last one. it took about 3 seconds of guilt last time. thats the only reason im not dead. if i hadnt taken my time about what i was doing, i would be ashes now. is this all really worth it? i dont even remember what my point was. i guess im just going off the top of my head now. i feel bitter. this started out more along the lines of just open wondering about things. and dont get me wrong, this sounds like im lamenting my life, but im actually in pretty good spirits these days. i guess im just questioning what the next steps are in their respective aspects of my life. i have a plan for most of things. doubt itll go anything like im expecting, but thats half the fun anyway. i just need to get over some old baggage and keep moving. well ive wasted enough of your time.
later
-ted

Current mood: contemplative

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Friday, October 29, 2004

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

1:00AM - yes. this is whats happening.

so things are ok. my birthday just came and went. went out with some friends and had a damn good time. unfortunately i discovered that dennys will no longer be serving the breakfast dagwood. i suppose its for the best though. other than that, work is going the same. the cd is almost finished. were shooting to have it packaged and ready for mass consumption by decemberish. were also shooting for a tour in feb or march. well see more about that in the coming month or so though. in the unlikely event that the tour goes well and we can make enough money to eat while touring, i might quit my job and tour most of the year. but thats a long shot. still a nice dream though. id love to live on the road and be in a different city every day. in my opinion, the record sounds great. wayne did an excellent job recording us and mixing everything. right now were waiting on mastering and getting the artwork and promotional material together. assuming thats all done by december, thats when well start booking the tour. weve even found a big white van to tour in. so im excited. i cant wait for the next month or two to be over, so i can make concrete plans about this tour. once thats all set up ill just be anticipating it all the time until it happens. if nothing else, i get a month long vacation across the country, and get to play music every night. i love my job, but im getting sick of the regularity. what else is going on? hmmm.........ive been seeing a new girl recently. shes seems pretty damn cool. and no, im not stealing her from anyone. she has some pretty good musical taste. and shes learning to play the bass. you cant beat that. its all falling into place. soon ill be the only one with any water and guns. and then ill show them all. theyll all beg me for mercy but ill be too busy eating candied apples and slaughtering the masses. the meak will tremble at my voice and they will truly know what god is, or was, at least. i will wear a golden crown with various jewels encrusting it. if i have time, i will also purchase a cape. on a side note, i think beth anne hates me. she has not been in attendence to several functions to which she was invited. in fact i havent seen her in a while. so logically, she must hate me. prove me wrong b.a....prove me wrong. come to my house with roses and razor blades. cut me up good.
i havent heard from a number of people in a while, but dont call them either, because i have no idea what to say to them. so hopefully ill find a good reason to call them, or theyll call me. i have a much smaller social life lately, and im rather enjoying it. i like laying around my house and watching tv or practicing guitar or sitting at this computer and acting like i have a real connection to the outside world.
i feel like life is going to change soon. within the next 6 to 12 months. i feel like something is finally going to happen, and that im finally going to try to do something substantial in my own eyes. hoepfully this feeling is right. i feel less and less tied to this area as time goes on.
i had a dream the other night where i was sinking in sand. it was not pleasant. i also had an odd dream about a girl who was never that integral in my life and that i havent seen in a long time. i think she represented the majority of people ive met in my life, because i felt very dissapointed through the whole dream. i kept asking her to stay, and she said she would, and id turn my back and she was gone. then i spent alot of time looking for her. in the dream, as usual, i was back in high school, and i skipped school to meet up with her, but i was so sure i wouldnt find her that i brought a spare uniform in case i decided to just go to school. high school is a recurring theme in my dreams. so are girls who treat me poorly. i guess i fear going back to school(or going through the process of getting to a normal life) and i fear investing so much into one person again. or maybe i just have dreams and they dont really mean much, or mean anything that i could get out of analyzing them.
i wish i could sleep for a week.

Current mood: excited

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Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Monday, August 2, 2004

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